I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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