Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
