just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
