I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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