I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
