If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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