dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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