im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
