I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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