just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
