I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize