I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
