have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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