you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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