Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
