please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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