AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
