Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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