Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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