mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
