i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
