accomplished twins. life is a go
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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