Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
