If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
