I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
