He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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