fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
