Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I think a kid would responsible me up
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
