I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
nut hugger
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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