Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
