my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
