I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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