I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
