He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
