Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
