You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
