Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize