i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
