my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
