Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
