my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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