Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
