Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
