There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize