I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
