I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
