Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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