I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
