I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You're a disaster
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