Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
