id be glad to
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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