neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
