just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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