Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
