I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
