When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
