She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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