im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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