We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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